Gracias,my friend

My friend. Creo que ya llege el momento que la calle de nuestra vida juntos se termina. Asi es la vida, nunca ,nada no puede ser para siempre. Eres la persona que me daria energia todo ese tiempo, desde el primer segundo de mi dia , hasta el ultimo, eres siempre en mi cabeza. No lo puedo creer que en un tiempo tan corto, puede salir una relacion tan fuerte y llena de emociones. Es raro. Es increible. Eres increible. Hay dias que me despierto y tu no eres a mi lado, me pongo triste, te escribo, y espero que pasa la sensacion esta que no somamos juntos mas. Si, no somamos juntos, es la verdad, no importa lo que pensamos nosotros. Hay veces que quiero sacarte de mi cabeza, quiero vivir mi vida como antes, pero no puedo(o no quiero?) , me da igual, me gusta ser asi, me cause dolor, pero me encanta que al final no podemos continuar sin pensar uno de otro. Hay cosas que no me gusta en tu caracter, pero paso, porque para mi es mas importante tener te al lado. Paso un ves , el siguente, y el siguente no puedo mas . En una relacion son dos personas, y hay momentos que pasar para ser mas fuerte, si no todo la construccion esta se debilita y al final aplastan. Me acuerdo un monton durante el dia de todo, no me puedo controlar. Es dificil ser asi, la distancia y el tiempo mata , poco poco, todo los emociones. No lo se si va venir la dia que nos vemos otra ves , y asi no se puede. Cada tiene su vida, y hay que vivir la. No quiero ser un obstaculo en tu vida, y por eso ya llege el momento que tengo decir te adios, my friend!

Time, where do you hurry?

     Time has no definition. It is passing no matter what. Sometimes we think it passes slower, sometimes it disappears in moments. It is all an illusion. Everyday we create illusions , we follow dreams, but we never know what will happen tomorrow. Now life is challenging me, and its getting very hard for me to move forward. I feel like I'm not in the right place, I feel like i need to do something . But its very hard for me to realize what i do need to do. My mind is full of memories and they fill my heart with pain, when i understand i can't get my past back.
     I moved in a place that may seem like paradise to others, it is very beautiful. I left behind all my friends, my family, and made a decision to start over here. It's been a month. A month here changed me a lot. Im not surrounded by people i know or i care. Everything is new and this seems like a tuff challenge for me. For a long time i was wondering how would it be in a place where nobody knows me, nobody cares, and i will have plenty of time to spend with myself.Now, i know how is it,really painful.Loneliness follows me all the time, this is not the place where i belong. But where is that place? When will i find it? Happiness why are you hiding from me?

Jessica Lange - Gods and Monsters

This song is just incredibly sexy, haunting, and touching at the same time. It's a fucking masterpiece. I cannot get enough of this woman!

Picking up the pieces..

These things are sometimes very hard to explain. Memories of shattered dreams are so confusing , they literally blur my head and transform me from the confident person i always was in a little guy that never stops dreaming. As i mentioned above i love myself, i really love myself so much, only myself. I don't know if the time of sharing my emotions, feelings , sharing myself(emotionally) will come. Life gives you a lesson with every single day and it gets tougher and tougher... My vision of trust totally changed during these years of transforming myself. I'm not even sure what i have transformed into, the cruel self-confident person that i am in everybody else's eyes, or the sad, maybe lonely person that lays deep in my heart. Now i can't trust anyone, too many pain i had that i deeply hide from everybody, and i don't even know if i have the power to confess it to anyone. The pride stroke me deeply, and my rock hard feelings and emotions create a barrier to my heart that nobody reached yet. I grew up in the period that everybody thinks only about themselves, and my personality was formed of daily life lessons. I hope!I really hope that the day that i can let someone in my life will come. For now, i will keep playing my role in the life theatre.

Looking for the better

 Every day is a new page in my long and full of wonderful moments journal. I try to look in every day for something new, for something exciting that will really make me have good mood no matter what. BUT, sometimes are some different situations that make you turn on your brain and think a lot even if it doesn't helps you. Well i think the solution lies in change. I think i need a change. A change of mind, a change of job, a change of country, and a change of friends that surround me. Why? Because i think friends are like an anchorage, and if you stick to them for a long time its harder to get up to the surface and find a new way. I had couple of friends that i trusted with my heart and they knew all my moves and all i do. This was a big mistake and now i am sure that if i start to think different it will change me completely.Do i need this change? Yes, definetely.I think i need a new beginning and i think i can get it only with a new antourage and new people surrounding me. I am sure that this is the way!

The thoughts that somewhere far away, where no one knows who you are , and how you are, are invading my brain every single day. I think that i need something new, something that will change my personality, and i will reborn as a mature, straight-thinking and with the right conclusions at all the stuff that happen to me , person. I know i can, i will do it no matter how much sacrifices i should make for this. I think it depends on me of what people i will meet and what people will surround me in order to change. i

Friendship between reality and illusion

     Friends should be everybodys support in life. A real friend will agree with you either you are right or not, and will feel when he needs to talk to you, and will know what you need to get better in a situation or another. Now i was thinking do i have real friends, or friends that just need me for their own purposes.
     My today story is about a case that happened these days. I had a girlfriend , we dated relatively long(2 months). Now we broke up and we dont even talk. Well, this story is about my very good friend that i trusted for a long time. I ve heard from some people that they walk together holding hands and it seems that they have a kind of relationship, that i dont know about . So i was wondering was he a good friend, or he just liked my grilfriend for a long time and now got the perfect moment to be with her. I don't care of the girl because i have another girlfriend now, but its really strange how i feel for my friend. It's a kind of 'whatever' feeling for their relationship, but on the other side it's a strange feeling that makes me think that i was wrong about our friendship.
     Well, this is it, i think i shouldnt trust anyone because everytime i do it, i get disapointed, maybe because of my strange character, maybe because i didn't found the friends i need yet. Life goes on and my opinion about friends remains the same - you can't trust anyone , but your family , i hope i'm wrong, i hope the good times will come, and i will find people way as crazy as me that i could share all my thoughts with and trust, TRUST. For now i feel perfect and i live my life 100%.

Out of stress and ready to go

It has been a hard week for me, but i feel like my mind is back to the place it was before and now i feel balanced and strong.I had hard time at work but i think beginning with the next week i will get used to it and i will start to work harder. My job helps me a lot , and i really care about it and i realize it drew me out of the black hole i was before. There i have what to do and there i get distracted from the daily routine.This week my best friend got back from Romania. We still don't talk, but i am a very good friend with his brother. I thought that it would be easier without him, and maybe i was right, i can't say for sure now. I am waiting for some stepts from him but i don't know if i will ever get them. I don't want to talk to him and i think our friendship is getting to the end , but still , even if i don't want to talk to him about this, and i keep my head straight, i still have hope. Maybe i should make the first step? I don't know, because it's not the first time that i do this and it helps only for a short period of time. I will try now to focus on my last exams and forget about everybody. The main problem for me that has to be solved sounds like this: Should i try to get my friend back and to have a backup and  support everytime i need, even if i didn't got much of it until now, or should i try to go in this life alone, and to take this as a lesson that improved my abilities to know people from different sides. I really don't know and i will think a lot about this.

The month that changed my thoughts about friendship

This last week was the one that caused me to thing globally about a lot of things. Everything that happened these last couple of days changed my attitude towards how i was treating other people that were close to me all this time.

The most important fact that made me think like this was the situation with my best friend.I will detalize it so everybody could understand how i feel now, and why.

Everything started with the exams we had all this month, but not only because of them. So, my best friend is a freshman and these were his first exams.I started to explain him what should he do in order to have good results and i supported him everytime he needed, but i was thinking that he wasn't really interested in what i was doing . At the beginning of this month we argued about some stuff and  we weren't talking to each other.When he started his first exam i was just walking by his room and i have heard that somebody tries to help him. I entered the room and was just wandering if he was ok. The guy that tried to help him couldn't find anything useful for my friend, so, eventhough i wasn't talking to him i just felt that i should help him no matter what . I was looking in all the rooms for the exercises he needed for his exam until i found something useful.I did all i could but i didn't heard any thankfull words from him.

The next day i decided that we should talk and we talked with him a couple of hours about this situation until we decided that we shouldn't argue and that our friendship worths more than this. The next couple of days i had my first exam, so i was trying to prepare for it, but suddenly we    understood that we have exams with my best friend in the same day.I told him that i won't be able to help him during the exam, but i can help him now and explain everything that's not clear.Those couple of days passed but he didn't care about his exam, but the day before it at 4 am when i was going to sleep he enters the room with a sad face, with the words:"Now i understand what kind of friend you are".I was very mad about this and i was explaining him that it was only his fault and that he had plenty of time before to come and ask me for help.This time i felt the same thing as before, so at 4 a.m. in the morning (even if i had my exam at 9 a.m.) i started to help him and explain everything he couldn't understand.It helped him a lot and he thanked me and he was very happy, and i was pleased that all i was explaining him at 4 a.m. didn't passed by.

A week passed, now i had  my third exam and i also needed a lot of time to prepre for it. The night before the exam aproximately at 1 a.m i came to my friend's room and asked for my camera charger.He was so busy with playing his computer game that he didn't even heard what i said.When i asked for the second time he told me to take it and go away cause he was busy. I went to the university the next day, i wrote my exam with success but then i understood that i don't need such friends like him, so i went and talked to him about this. He said that he will never change for anybody and if i want i can accept him, if i dont its my problem.These words made me even more angry and i decided that our friendship is over.But this last week, everybody left home for a couple of weeks, only i stayed because i knew he needs my support even if we weren't talking so i decided to stay.

Before our exams we were making plans where we will go to have fun after we finish  and we decided to go in another city to one of his old friends and to hang out there.But this last week, he decided to ask somebody else to go with him because he thought i don't talk to him this means i don't want to go anywhere . This was the last moment that pushed me to make this decision, that i don't really need such friends and that this was a fake friendship. I decided to talk to him for the last time and to tell my best friend everything i think. I told him that i thought about his words and i said that i really don't need a friend like this, meanwhile explaining him all the situation above.I think this time i took the correct decision and yesterday i left that house and came home, leaving him alone there.

In my opinion real friends support each other no matter what , and this is how i was acting, but he was acting totally opposite.I made a conclusion that better be alone with a lot of friends and focus on the job you have, instead of living with fake thoughts that you have a best friend, but you never know when he is gonna betray you. I am sure that this is definetely and i wont try to make good friends any more because now i know how it is to loose them.

Just....HAPPY:)

Hey, everyone who used to read my posts i forgot about it and didnt write anything for a long time,but now i am back and i can totally say i have a brand new life.This summer i spent in United States and this was the greatest adventure of my life.It changed my whole personality , and now im a definetely different person than i was a little time ago. America is the country that i have dreamed to go from the times i was a child, and my dream came true.I work hardly every day but i also had plenty of fun and made a lot of friends that i miss very much. I hope i come back soon , see all my friends from there, and get drunk like we were doing all the summer.

Also this year is my last year at university, and i can definetely say that i have success at school. I can't tell that im mega smart , but i am doing everything i can to finish it and im sure i will. Actually this is not just my last year here in Romania, this is my best year, and i have a lot of unforgetable memories for such a short period of time i've met my new freshman friends. I can tell that i have now a best friend and this makes me even stronger. Everybody needs a person in which you can trust and confess all your troubles and problems, and in which you can be sure that he won't betray you. Last year i had a different vision about this, and i was thinking that best friends don't exist. I have a lot of friends but i was sure for 100% only in my family.

I will use this moment to wish everybody a merry christmas and a happy new year!!!

Memories...:)

Now, when i got back to university , i realized i miss so much the people i worked with.My best boss took me back one time and i was so happy.Now i don't know if he will take me back again,but i want this so much.I miss the people i worked with almost a half of last year and i want so much to get back to them but now my big problem are my exams.I'm thinking now that going back to work will be hard and will ruin my plans about
America.In order to go to America i have to take all my exams, and if i go home now i don't know if i can do this.On the other side when i stay here i basically dont go to university because i want to sleep:).Last 2 weeks here were awesome, i can even say that my life started from a new page. First time we went to club together with the new guys.They have opened to me from another side and now we're closer than we were before.T

The sad reality

I thought that my comeback will bring a lot more happiness than i expected. But it just made my loneliness much painful . All of my friends have changed the attitude towards myself. I thought everybody missed me, but without me everybody was living his life even better than it was before. I think i need a bigger change, and this wasn't enough. I think i have to go abroad and begin a new life from 0. I have to change my behavior and i think everybody will look at me from another angle. I think that the mistakes stay in me and only i am guilty of the way people act with me. The main problem is that i don't know from what to begin and every time i try to make a change i get bored and i get back my old behavior. Each time people think that when they comeback everybody was thinking only of them but the reality is that these are just big thoughts and it depends on us how people will meet us. When i left i tried to make all the people i care think about me and how much i'll miss them. I think that was a mistake. I always wanted to be famous and to make people talk about me, but i thought it would be easier :) Now i will try to work on my mistakes and now, when i realized i have to leave back the past and go into the future with the head straight up.

Beginning from the end

It's morning,the sun didn't rise yet,but i'm already so happy.There are many reasons of my happiness,i don't know with which i can begin.I got my work place back when came from Romania,no w i can work with all my old friends,but there is also a sad moment in this story,a lot of people i was working with just left, and i think i can lose my interest to work without them.They were making my day, every time i was sad they were supporting me,we were laughing together, we were crying together, we were eating together, and we were fighting together. I think they  are a part from one big chapter of my life and i will never forget them.Now i have to concentrate on my work and maybe this feeling of loneliness will disappear.Now i have to run but i will get back very soon.

This is it

Day by day i think i am more alone than i was the day before.I think every day about the sense of my life,and i don't know if there is really any sense...I know i have the big part of the guilt and it's my fault that i have no friends and i don't have any close people...I've noticed that people look at me different than they looked couple of days ago.I don't touch anybody and this way i provoke them to do the things they do.How will anybody react if he was in my place?I need an advice, but having nobody close i don't know where to get it.

This was my family...

All these people were making my day and im so greatfull to them.I miss them so much and i can't believe the last time i saw them was a month ago.All these moments we shared, i'll never forget them.Yesterday i found out that i'm not needed there anymore.When looking at this situation from directors' position i can understand him, he needs hardworking people that are ready to work,meanwhile i would be just a temporary worker there.Even if i was the best in the work we were doing i guess it isn't enough.I start thinking that there are people that i'll never see any more,and when i think about it,sadness i guess, it is all i can associate this situation with:(.I know that there are people  left that care about me,they don't stop writing to me and it is really hard to let go.I have to find a new job and get used to another people  in order to forget them, but i'm not sure if it is the best solution.Even if there i wasn't paid so much and even if at the beginning i was arguing with the director,i liked a lot to work there.All the time spent there stays in my heart and no matter where i go i'll never forget them."Celentano" Goodbye!

This was my family...

For a period of time these people became my family.These are the people whom i worked with a period of 4 months.Now i am far away,i have to study, but i can't stop thinking of them.I remember every moments spent with them and i want to go back stronger and stronger.

Today i spoke to one of them and i understood that i can't go back and work with them because there are a lot of waiters there.It hurt very much

Loneliness...

Today I understood that i'm lonely..I can't tell anyone my thoughts about sad and happy moments of my life.I have a lot of people surrounding me, but noone cares of me or what really happens in my soul.I am a happy person, apparently, but deep in my heart i feel lonely.Maybe the problem is in me,cause i think i don't need anybody to express my feelings to, maybe i just have to let it go cuz it is just a depression.Who knows?Maybe i need a girlfriend that could listen to me, and maybe she is right near me and i can't observe her.I realize that there are bad moments in life, but there are also good ones, they compensate each other.Life is life, and i have to understand that everything happens for a reason.Maybe today i have no mood, but tomorrow, when the sun shines it will enlighten me and i'll change my position..who knows?I have a lot of questions and i need someone who could answer me...

I guess the only problem is me and it depends on me what life will bring next.I think i should change my behavior and people near me will change their attitude.I should  start to respect people,and not to be so rude, but i'm afraid i'll be lost as a person if i will do this.This is all me, and if i change i don't know how everybody will react.I will think...a lot...and i'll try to find answers to my questions myself.I guess in this life i should walk alone and this will bring me more advantages than i think..and again...who knows?

Air

I feel so lucky that i live in a city near the mountains.Tonight i had a run and i got full of energy.I just like running  alone at night.There is noone to bother me,i feel free and i have my head filled with different thoughts.I think about a lot of things,it's like falling in trance :) cuz when i run i don't pay attention to anything.I run in the woods near the mountains and i enjoy it a lot.Today it was little cold but i'm already used to it so that's no problem to me.Also i spoke to my brother today. He told me something about what is happening home.I told him about my thoughts.I hope we'll manage to go to America togehter, but i have to solve the problem with my exams.I think the professors will understand me. I want to visit America so much, I hope i'll be able to reach this dream.

The face i cant forget

It happened last summer. I met this girl and i realized she will be mine.It took 2 days to get closer to her and it just worked...After a 10-day holiday spent with her we had to break up because of the distance between us.A month passed,a year passed..but my mind is still only at her cute face.I found this photo on google, cuz i could'nd find her anywhere else.I don't have her number, I can;t find her on facebook..It's really sad and i don't know what to do to get her back. Every girls i met after her i was comparing them.Now if i just had 5 minutes to tell her everything i feel i'll be the happiest person on this planet...

The wheel that works on and on

Life is like a wheel that apparently never stops.Every day of my life seem the same like the day before. I want to stop this routine, but  i don't know if i can do this.Today i didn't met anybody new, today i didn't see any new places.It bores me a lot. I started to play a computer game.It's just killing time, the time that i don't know how to spend. When i was home, i was working and i was doing something everyday,i didn't had time for games.Now i just don't find anything interesting to do so i need an advice.Maybe i need a new girlfriend to spend time with, maybe i need a friend,I don't know and i'm really confused.